Foley
Posted by Daniel Lyons Wed, 04 Oct 2006 03:42:14 GMT
I generally don’t derive much satisfaction from picking on easy targets like individual politicians, but the Foley thing is just irresistable. Here are the latest sound bytes, culled from this brilliant AP article:
“[Foley’s lawyer] also said Foley was under the influence of alcohol when he sent the e-mails and instant messages.” Including the one that Foley postponed a vote for? What defense is that? “Sorry officer, I was too drunk at work to have intentionally had cybersex.” Not guilty by reason of inebriation? Does that really work? That’d be a great defense for drunk driving. “Sorry officer, I was too drunk to remember that you aren’t supposed to drive drunk.”
“[Foley’s lawyer] said Foley was molested between ages 13 and 15. He declined to identify the clergyman or the church, but Foley is Roman Catholic.” Because, as we all know, all sexual abuse has its roots in the Catholic church. This brings to mind Heather Wilson, who’s campaign position seems to be “I vote for whatever Bush votes for, unless it has to do with ethics, in which case I do whatever the godless Liberals want.” She must strike the religious right as the worst of both worlds. It looks like both parties have realized the can just take a crap on the religious right whenever they want to, because they’ll vote for the Republicans who despise them and no amount of capitulation will make them vote Democrat. I sure am glad I don’t belong to a minority that always votes for the same party and gets only symbolic appeasement (if not outright detestation) in return! <cough>
Check out this gem of a sentence:
“Mark Foley wants you to know he is a gay man,” [Foley’s lawyer] told reporters as Republicans struggled with fallout from Foley’s resignation.
I bet they struggled! Half of them have said that homosexuality is a mortal sin. To watch them pull a muscle bending over backwards to pretend that they actually haven’t been saying what they’ve been saying for the past decade to save their pedophile friend’s ass is really quite charming. I’m sure if you tried you could dig up unsavory sound bytes from all of the involved politicans equating homosexuality and pedophilia, but that would only prove the disgusting depths of what we already know.
Politics these days is like a televised game of Twister: spin the dial and find out what uncomfortable position you have to get in to keep your job for another six months! The hypocrisy here is killing me! It’s like these guys only get into power so they can have their dirty little secrets explode their careers like nuclear warheads filled with confetti and glass shards, abolishing the lives and careers of pathetic glad-handers who shared nothing with them but a meal or a photo opportunity. The only thing that will come close to the ridiculous insanity of Foley and his mindbogglingly irresponsible behavior will be the media orgy over it, with straight-faced reporters gagging, crooning and drooling at every lascivious innuendo from anyone who ever knew the moron in any capacity, just like a strung-out hooker in an abandoned warehouse full of bubbling heroin beakers. The only word that comes to mind is “unbecoming.”
So I have for several weeks been thinking, how are the Democrats going to manage to recapture any seats without a platform? Today I had an epiphany that should have been obvious: they don’t need a platform! Look at the Republicans: where’s their platform? All it takes is charisma, which in American politics seems to mean merely belonging to the party least recently disgraced. And by disgrace, I mean sexual scandals, not actual voting records or achievements in office, because our government is so vast it’s simply not possible for a good or bad president to have any tangible effect on my life. The Republican offer this election is going to be “You’ll screw up the war!” The Democratic counter-offer will be “We can’t screw it up worse than you screw-ups have, and besides, you have a guy who had sex with a boy-child!” Smells like Democratic victory to me, folks!
Wow! It’s so fucked up, it’s like a little work of art! It’s hard to even imagine how it could ever become so fucked up!
I guess this is evolution, folks!
